Saturday, December 14, 2013

TO THE LIMIT

For Those Cold Wintry Nights.


Tarrus Riley , To The Limit.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

MADIBA


The world has loss a fearless leader but we must celebrate his life in its entirety.  The rebel, scholar, statesman and symbol of freedom is no longer with us in body, but his spirit and teachings will prevail.  He led by example through his resilience and fearless fight for equality .  It has been many years since I read the Autobiography of Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom." I intend to revisit the story of this remarkable man.  I remember the hope I felt when I when he was released from Robins Island; walking hand in hand with his determined wife, Winnie. Those years of boycotting certain companies that refused to stop doing business with the apartheid regime in South Africa had finally paid off.  Madiba was free and all was right with the world at that moment as he took those first steps of freedom.  He spent 30 years in prison but was awarded with a long life. Longevity served its purpose and the great warrior for equality and freedom is now at peace.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Paul Walker

Paul Walker


I know I started this blog to talk about black love but love really shouldn't be limited by race, gender, culture, or religion.  Love is just love.  I have been a fan of Paul Walker since I saw the first Fast and the Furious film over 12 years ago.  He was always that perfect surfer boy type that was so easy on the eyes.  I am saddened by his death but he will live on through his work.  We really have to do more than just survive, we must live; life is way to precious.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY RADIO

I am a huge music fan who strongly believes that  life requires a soundtrack.  My era was the late 80's throughout the 90's but I am constantly looking for new music.  I crave music that nourishes the soul and fits my every mood.  If you listen to the radio you can't miss hearing Drake, Rihanna or Two Chainz.  That is cool, but I am always searching for grown folks music.  One of my favorite music sites is soulbounce.com where I get to hear musical artists that unfortunately don't get much radio play. I am so thankful I found these  following musical artists. They are going to be part of my soundtrack today as I give thanks for all the blessings I have.  Nothing expresses BlackLove like pure soulful music.

This one stays on repeat.

Love her smooth eclectic sound.

Daley's voice always amazes.
Foreign Exchange can do no wrong.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

THE BEST MAN HOLIDAY



It is very rare these days that I go to see a film that isn't G rated.  Since I became a mommy I can hardly find the time to see a grown-up movie; although I do make the time to see Denzel's flicks. 2 Guns was the last film I saw that did not involve talking animals.  In 1999 Best Man came on the scene before we got bombarded with the Tyler Perryesque movies.  It was funny, scandalous, and filled to the brim with fineness. Back then, (not that things improved much) it was not often that you saw black love on the big screen. The sequel is long overdue and I anticipate seeing how the characters develop.  With all that said, Morris Chestnut belongs on that big screen. He is truly like a fine wine and proves that men over 40 are ultra sexy. The film opens on Friday, November 15th, 2013.

Friday, November 1, 2013

IT IS NEVER COOL TO KISS AND TELL

Before there was Air Jordan or King James, Dr. J ruled B-Ball.  Julius Erving was the smooth ultra-cool NBA small forward with a wicked dunking ability.  Now the elder statesman of the game is about to drop a tell all book. The following is an excerpt in reference to a sports journalist he conceived his 32 year old daughter with:

"She becomes someone who helps me unwind if I'm feeling high-strung or stressed. I can drive over and spend a relaxing evening that might even include oral sex," Erving writes. "I can only remember one time that we actually intercourse and that was because she had just gotten this new orthodontia to straighten her teeth. With wire and gleaming metal bristling in her mouth, oral sex was not an option." 

Now I see why former NBA player Doug Christie's wife had a no contact with female journalists in the locker room rule. Dr. J. was married at the time and I guess everyone involved chose to keep the affair and the baby under wraps.  Some athletes, celebrities, city bus drivers, accountants, etc..., have extramarital affairs. This is not new revelation.  I understand that sensationalism sells books, but I am pretty sure I would not want to know that this is how I was conceived.  Mom got knocked up because she couldn't give Daddy BJs anymore because she wanted straight teeth.  Should we really call this man Dr. J. if he can't keep details to himself?

Exposing your sexual partners on the media stage seems pretty juvenile. Actually exposing your sexual partners anywhere is usually not the way to proceed.  I am guilty of this I have spoken to girlfriends about a small dick man on occasion but I am not proud of it. Top reasons you should not kiss and tell or suck and tell......


  • Do unto to others.....You would not want someone broadcasting to others that you fart every time you come, or you can't get it up at least once a week. Imagine your outrage if an ex decided to leak a sex tape. When you choose to share a sexually intimate moment with someone, unless you strive to be a porn star, you probably want to keep the gritty details between the two of you. 
  • We are not in the 7th grade anymore.  There comes a time when we must put all our childish ways behind  us and act like grown folks. Being sexually mature is a goal we should all strive for.
  • Basketball Wives.  The last thing black women needed was a show depicting them as gold digging, angry bitter baby mamas. I still find it hard to watch a reality show based on individuals who happened to screw someone famous.
  • It sucks the intelligence out the room. I am not going to lie I read two of Karrine Steffan's, aka Superhead, tell all books.   I am pretty sure I destroyed some valuable brain cells after reading them.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Players in the Pulpit

Bishop Eddie Long
I am not a religious individual and  I just don't feel the need to attend Sunday sermons every week. I am definitely not opposed to religion or those that bathe themselves in it. I was deeply rooted in Catholicism as a child and it lasted until I decided to take my own spiritual path and limit my contact with organized religion. Now organized religion still intrigues me but I prefer to be on the outside looking in.

Recently Louisiana Pastor Ronald J. Harris Sr. was shot and killed in the pulpit in front of his congregation. When the story first broke it seemed like a deranged man ran into the church and killed this God-fearing man.  When his daughter presented herself to the media it appeared to me that she was doing damage control.  I knew what would happen next; the sex scandal would follow.  Then like clockwork the rumors of the pious pastor and the gunman's wife, being caught up in sexual relationship, began to circulate.  Everyone in that church who witnessed the murder probably knew exactly what was going on. It wasn't a maniacal stranger that fired that gun, but one of their own. He was either defending his wife's honor or eliminating the competition.

The shooter's wife had filed a rape complaint days before the murder but this was after the distressed husband had confronted her with some racy photos she sent to the pastor.   More rumors have since surfaced that Pastor Harris had several ladies in waiting.  There is nothing surprising here.  We have seen it time and time again.

Bishop Eddie Long's sexual abuse case and his thirst for pubescent boys decimated his reputation. The heinous accusations were plentiful. He arranged trips to hotels with his self-proclaimed "spiritual sons" then ceremoniously dumped them when they aged out. Long settled with at least four men although he continued to deny that he used these boys, that were seeking fatherly guidance, for his own sexual pleasure. After years of stubbornly standing his ground the man who stated that homosexuality is a "spiritual abortion" has finally resigned from his lucrative position.

Pastor Zachery Tims the former leader of the New Destiny Christian Center in Apopka, FL and his salacious affair with a Parisian stripper willing to tell it all on the internet destroyed his marriage. In August 2011 he was found dead in the W Hotel in New York City.  His mother went to court to stop the medical examiner from releasing the particulars of his death to prevent further embarrassment. There is no telling what went down in that hotel room.

It is not just a Christianity issue. In Harlem at the historic Mosque No. 7, Minister Benjamin Muhammad, formerly Reverend Benjamin Chavis, was caught up in his own sexual impropriety with a Muslim woman he had counseled for marital problems. The woman went on to accuse him of badgering her for sex after he cried that his wife had not given him any for over six months. He begged her for oral sex and when she refused he coerced her into letting him do the favor.

We know sex scandals in religion cover the spectrum. A male prostitute accused, anti-homosexual and former pastor, Ted Haggard of paying him for sex for three years while he led a congregation of 14,000 followers at the New Life Church in Colorado Springs.  Later on a young man in the church revealed their sexual affair. Haggard who is married, eventually professed to the world that he did engage in a homosexual acts but he was not gay. He eventually stepped down from his multi-million dollar position still denying he likes the D.  Even his therapist is in on it, describing him as "a heterosexual with complications."

I could go on and on about scandals in the church, synagogue, temple, etc... These men and women are of the flesh and cannot be expected to be without sin. Yes they are only human but it still amazes me that there is just as much or even more sexual hook-ups going on in a place of worship as there is in a a nightclub on Miami's South Beach.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Natural Hair & Beauty Expo: Orlando, Florida

I made it to my second year at the 4th Annual Natural Hair & Beauty Expo in Orlando, Florida.
The event moved to a much bigger venue, The Orlando Convention Center.  There were seminars about hair, beauty, and self awareness, throughout the day.   There were over 50 booths selling art, natural hair, beauty and health products. The vendors were from all over Florida and if my pockets were deeper I would have grabbed a few more items.  I did gather their business cards and will support more of them in the near future.

Honey Suckle Moon by L'Angela

I grabbed the Roots Trees and Flowers Tea Soap.  It has Jamaica Castor Oil and Burdock Root. The Dread Head Mane Puddin has a great aroma and does not leave any residue.  I have been using it to moisturize my hair and retwist my locs.

The Frankincense African Shea Butter Cream has the best subtle aroma

Rebirth  Tonic & Daily Maintenance
Rebirth is a great daily moisturizer, that is not greasy.  It is available at Zuresh.com.  I tested out several of their products and they have a great line.


Nappturally Chic Jere gave a great seminar on the L.O.C. Method.  Liquid, Oil, and Cream. It is a great way to moisturize loose hair. One of the big issues with wearing your hair in its natural form is keeping it moisturized.  Working out, the elements, and day to day activities can seriously dry your hair out.  The L.O.C. method is a cost effective and harmless way to moisturize your natural. You spritz your hair with bottled water apply it to your hair and then follow it with a water based oil and seal it with a cream.

The last event I attended was the Hair & Fashion Showcase on the main stage.  Can't wait until next year.


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Zane's Addicted to Hit the Big Screen.

With all the talk about the erotic novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, being made into a movie, we cannot forget the erotic novel "Addicted" published in 1998. "Addicted" was the raw and emotional story of a black professional woman with a voracious sexual appetite.  I have no plan on reading Fifty Shades but definitely plan on reacquainting myself with Addicted.  Check out Shadow and Act for all the details.

Release Dates Set For 'Addicted' (2014) And 'Wedding Ringer' (2015) | Shadow and Act

Sunday, September 8, 2013

What Is A Penile Fracture? | BlackDoctor | Page 2

I never knew that a penis could actual break. I found it out on an informative health promoting site, blackdoctor.org.  You learn something new every day.

What Is A Penile Fracture? | BlackDoctor | Page 2

Friday, September 6, 2013

All the Good Ones are Taken.

A couple weeks ago I caught the fabulous soul singer extraordinaire, Chaka Khan on the Wendy Williams show.  If you haven't seen Ms. Khan recently, she looks fabulous.  She dropped a ton of weight and is embracing the fountain of youth.  Wendy, the gossip queen she is, questioned the diva on her love life. Chaka declared her single status with the following words, "All the good one's are taken."  It got me thinking about how profound a statement that is for a successful mature black woman who for all else purposes, has it going on to make.  I have felt that way for a long time as I have traveled precariously throughout the single world. So what does a single black woman over thirty do if all the "good brothers" are truly taken.

1.  Explore the possibilities and date outside the race.  This is harder than it sounds. If you crave a strong chocolate black man no vanilla or cream man will suffice.  Dating outside of the race does not only mean white, you have Asian and Latino men at your disposal. For many sisters we prefer to stay within our comfort zone. Damn there is nothing that compares to the love of black man that can hold things down.  If you keep your options there is more variety to choose from.

2. Share a man.  Now if a man is willing to get emotionally involved with more than one woman can he be considered one of the good ones?  To some a successful man who is willing to commit to a relationship is the ultimate catch despite his situation.  What better example of that than a gainfully employed married man. You know he is financially sound and that he is willing to make the most fundamental commitment, marriage.

3.  Join a convent.  Okay maybe not so drastic. Instead you surrender and give up looking or even believing in the possibility that some one is out there for you.  You become completely involved in your career while living vicariously through your friends who are in relationships. Your family knows they can count on you to babysit or to run errands because your free time is theirs.  What else would you be doing anyway?
Mother Theresa

4. Indulge in your freaky side.  You get out there and bang whomever you want, whenever you want.  You are not afraid to have sex with strangers that you meet in the club or online.  You decide just because I can't find a man to grow old with, does not mean I don't need my garden watered.

5.  You reject the four choices above and decide that your new project is to grow as an individual.  You will grab the world by its horns and ride if for all that it is worth.  Being solo will not stop you from having a fulfilling life.   If a man, worthy of the jewel that you are comes along; well you will take that too.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Trayvon Martin, The Love of A Son.


The love one has for his or her own child is the purest and most unconditional love you will ever find.  Losing a child is unimaginable and will cause a lifetime of pain.  You can never fathom burying your own child; nor do you want to.  Your hope for them is that they enjoy a long and productive life of contentment. So when your child is killed by an ignorant and senseless act before their life can start, it can eat away at your very soul. I feel for Trayvon Martin's parents. They will not see him graduate, marry, or have his own children.  The kind of emotional pain inflicted on them will never ever be healed.  They just have to keep on and not let Trayvon's death be in vain.

I expected the not guilty verdict. Black boys have always been expendable in America from the times of slavery until today.  In New York I lived through the Yusuf Hawkins and Michael Griffith killings.  White people do not want their own locked up for killing a black boy, regardless of the circumstances. Although Trayvon's killer would be checked thoroughly if he was crossing the Mexican border.  I guess they adopted him.  Now if the tables were turned and it was Trayvon's killer who fell to his bullet, Trayvon would be looking at a sentence. I can almost guarantee it.

I am the mother of a son. The love I have him for him is like no other.  I have never loved another human being so unconditionally. I knew black mothers doted over their sons; but I could not understand that dynamic until I had a son myself.  I fear for my young son's life. I don't have the streets alone to worry about but the suburbs as well.  In the eyes of America my son's precious life is expendable and that saddens me deeply.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Holiday Sex Part II

Recently I learned that prostitution is legal on the Dutch Caribbean Island, St. Maarten. The little Caribbean jewel was caught up in a salacious scandal involving accusations that the Minister of Justice was running a brothel. It is no surprise that the oldest profession has created a tourism industry that brings some well needed cash flow to some smaller economic nations. The question is, at what price?

I have mixed feelings about the institution of selling sex. Julia Robert's Pretty Woman character is not the norm.  I do feel that it is a consenting adult's prerogative to sell his or her ass for some cash; but the reality of prostitution is the brutal exploitation of young men, women and children by depraved pimps.  Sex trafficking is a vicious system that rivals only the Middle Passage.  Like any other despicable act, you will always find those who are willing to go above and beyond to support it.

We are in a world where people are going to continue to travel to fuck.   Here are some more tropical locations where some people are not just snorkeling or sipping rum punch on the beach.

Dutch Antilles.  Throughout most of the Caribbean the oldest profession is illegal but not on Dutch islands. The islands of the Dutch Antilles consist of six islands: St. Maarten,  Saba,  Sint Eustatius, Aruba, Bonaire and Curacao.  The two largest brothels in the Dutch speaking Caribbean are located in St. Maarten and Curacao.  Bonaire is also home to  legal whorehouses as well. Here predominately light skinned women from the Dominican Republic and Colombia are issued prostitution visas to work the sex industry.  The Dutch regulate prostitution and the sex workers are required to register and must submit to weekly STD check-ups.  These regulations are not enforced at the unlawful establishments where the New Age slave masters traffic in sex workers.

Hotel Del Ray.  The Del Ray is located in downtown San Jose, Costa Rica and is a well-known hub for sex tourism. The prostitutes can be found working the hotel from day to night.  As I mentioned in Holiday Sex Part I,  prostitution is legal in Costa Rica.  At Hotel Del Ray the working women are required to have a medical ID to enter the premises.

Jamaica.  Prostitution and weed are not legal in Jamaica. Despite that ganja is available for tourist as well as the ability to pay to screw.   Women, particularly of European descent, drive the demand for female sex tourism in the land of reggae.  Milk bottle is the slang term used for the Caucasian women that make that journey to Jamaica to rent a beach boy.   Black American women with money to spend are also indulging in sex tourism. Stella is not the only one who Got Her Groove Back.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

The Reality of STDs

WARNING GRAPHIC PHOTOS

The recent DUI arrest of the black porn actor Mr. Marcus, made me think about the syphilis outbreak he started in the porn world last year. The controversy erupted when he altered a positive syphilis test so he could continue working. The adult film industry notoriously prefers there actors perform without condoms, so  it is no surprise that his indiscretion caused an epidemic on the set. Mr. Marcus claimed he thought it was okay because his doctor told him he would not be contagious after taking a penicillin shot for at least 10 days.  Seems like a lame excuse and dangerous lie so that he could selfishly keep working.

When it comes to contracting a sexually transmitted disease, ignorance is not bliss.  There are highly contagious STDs  that are prevalent in the black community that we cannot ignore. Do not think for one second "it can't happen to me". We must be vigilant and take the precautions to keep our sexual health in order such as; knowing your status and your partner's, using condoms and dental dams  or practicing abstinence. Even a porn actor who has sex on film for a living is hesitant to discuss STDs. We have to eliminate the shame and embarrassment and be proactive when it comes to our sexual health. Here are some of the most common diseases lurking within our sexual community.

Syphilis.  The CDC estimates that approximately 56, 000 people are infected with syphilis each year.  The infection is transmitted from person to person in direct contact with the syphilis sores.  A blood test can determine if someone has caught syphilis. Syphillis can be cured with antibiotics but someone should not engage in any sexual activity until the sores are completely healed. Condoms can only help prevent the infection if it covers the areas where sores appear.
Syphilis sore on penis.
Syphilis sore on tongue

Gonorrhea.  A strain of gonorrhea has surfaced which is being labelled a "sex superbug.  The strain is resistant  to antibiotic drugs normally prescribed to treat gonorrhea. Gonorrhea is transmitted through vaginal, anal, and oral sex.  The CDC reports that sexually active teenagers, young adults and Blacks are at high risk to contract gonorrhea. If gonorrhea goes untreated in men and women they risk never being able to have children

Human Papillomarivus Virus (HPV).  Certain strains of HPV can develop into cervical cancer and genital warts. Young women between 11 and 26 are recommended to go get the HPV vaccination.  The vaccinations do not prevent all HPV types, so cervical cancer screening is still important. The CDC advises that the only sure way to prevent HPV is abstinence.  Fidelity or pretty much two virgins getting together are the next best prevention.  Condoms can lower the risk but the disease can be contracted through skin to skin contact.

Genital Herpes.  The CDC estimates that 766,000 people are infected with the Herpes Simplex Virus each year.  There is no cure.  The virus is contracted through oral, anal and vaginal sex. Condoms can reduce the infection that causes painful sores but it is not full proof.  Abstinence and long-term monogamous relationships are most effective in preventing Herpes.

Check out cdc.gov for more info.



Friday, May 3, 2013

5 Deal Breakers

Jitter Bug by William H. Johnson

When I meet a new potential love interest I start imagining what the future would be like with this individual in my life.  I am not going as far as walking down the aisle but more like questioning our compatibility.  Will I be able to have a conversation with him without  thoughts of eating a sandwich or taking a nap to distract me? Will I enjoy rolling in the sheets with him?  Are my friends and family going to think he is weird? Shit, am I going to think he is weird? Dating someone new can be filled with nervous hesitation but at the same time rejuvenating anticipation. It is refreshing when you meet someone and there is a mutual attraction.  Naturally you decide to get together in order to learn a little more about each other before jumping off the bridge holding hands.  I am old school and do not believe in developing a relationship through texting, instant messaging, or Skype.   I need face to face contact as soon as possible.  There are times I think I am shallow, maybe I should ease up on my criteria for the opposite sex. But when I think about it there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to click with. So I have chosen to stick steadfast to five deal breakers that may or not be keeping me single.

1.  The Teetotaler.   I like to drink.  I can go a couple weeks without touching alcohol if I choose to; but when I am ready, I like to get my drink on.  A glass of pinot noir can add a special touch to my day.  I commend those who abstain from alcohol for whatever reason. We all have our convictions and should stick to them.  I just prefer not to date or get into a relationship with a man who doesn't touch alcohol.  Why?  I believe at some point he will try to get me to stop.  It may start off as acceptance but it turns into that condemning look you get when you are heading out for a night with the girls.

2. B.O.   I can't date a funky man.  He could pass as The Rock's twin, but if he smells like the inside of a sweaty locker room even after he showers, I am out.  We all have our moments when we don't smell like a bouquet of roses, but when it is 24/7, that can be a problem.This is a touchy subject. One of the hardest things to tell someone you like is, "you stink."  So it is better to escape before it gets to deep.

3.  Chain Smoker. The smell of Nicotine on a man's breath and clothing is not sexy to me.

4.  Bad With Money.  It is damn near impossible to achieve a perfect credit score, but If a man insists on buying Gucci and Louis Vuitton even though he is forced to ride the bus while he lives in his mama's basement, I'll keep it moving.

5.  Two left feet.  He has to have rhythm on the dance floor.  I am not expecting Usher or Chris Brown.  Just someone that can follow the music.  I am no Ciara but I have a little rhythm and enjoy dancing with a man that is in sync.  It allows my mind to wander to what moves he would put on me when we are dancing in the sheets.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

What I Learned from a Gay Man.


The minute I read that an active NBA player was coming out the closet, I thought my eyes deceived me.  No way did a professional athlete in a widely popular sport have the nerve to out themselves while they were still playing. I am a fan of the NBA, but I had no idea who Jason Collins was. He can be commended for opening a dialogue that is so necessary. I am sure he is relieved that he doesn't have to live a lie. An athlete being gay does not bother me at all.  But what stood out for me was that this brother was on the down low.  His ex-fiancee gave him 8 years of her life.

Black men hiding their sexuality in the closet is nothing new. I read J.L. King's "On the Down Low, A Journey into the Lives of Black Men Who Sleep With Men", from front to back without blinking an eye.  It got passed around so much among my female friends, that I have no idea who has it in their possession today.  Prior to the book's release in 2005, the down low issue within the black community was mostly touched on by fictional authors such as the late E. Lynn Harris and James Earl Hardy.

It wasn't just a book that really opened my eyes to men on the down low; it was an openly gay black man.   Every time we went out together, he would pick up some of the finest black men.   One night after he hooked up with a  tall dark chocolate Adonis, I had to ask him how he knew a man he just met was gay. After all we were not hanging out at gay bars or clubs.  He said it was all in the eye contact. If a glance lingered just a little longer he knew the brother was down. He was very attracted to seemingly "straight" men and had no problem pulling them.  I later learned that the Adonis who he banged the next night was married with two young children.  No book could prepare me for that.  To see it unfold before my eyes was enlightening.  The following month I saw a different man he hooked up with out on a date with a woman.  I learned that you cannot assume anything in a relationship.

I doubt Jason Collins will be the Jackie Robinson for gay professional athletes, you have to be a bigger name for that to happen.  His revelations are a step in the right direction.  But I still have to think about the women that invest their time in brothers like him, only to be told their relationship was a lie.  He is not saying I am bi-sexual he is declaring that he is gay. Hopefully there will come a day when gay people do not have to hide within the facade of a heterosexual relationship.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Saying Goodbye to Love

It is so hard to leave — until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.
John GreenPaper Towns

After a long search, you finally met someone worth spending time with. The two of your lives are now intertwined and it feels comfortable.  Comfortable like that old college sweatshirt with the holes that you can't seem to throw away. Days, weeks and months go by. You haven't moved in together yet but you spend every weekend at his house.  Yes the brother has his own home and a good j.o.b.

Then one day you look across the dinner table at that person and decide this is not fulfilling me. An important piece is missing but you don't want to face it.  You remain silent and play with your food as he checks his phone for messages.  "I should be happy."  He is smart, employed and most of all reliable.  Those other men before him were flaky, self-absorbed, and easily distracted. Now you have a man who is available to you, all the time.  "Isn't that what I wanted?"  The Ex made you feel like such a low priority.  He never paid enough attention to you. Towards the end of your relationship he only came around for a sexual tune-up.  But those tune-ups were damn good. In the words of Trey Songz, "sex aint better than love."

The sex with your current beau is nice but routine. You get ready for bed.  You can't remember the last time you put on some sexy negligee and shimmied into the boudoir.  You pull an old Gap tee shirt over your head and get under the covers. The sounds of him gargling before bed deafens you.  He is a good man.  A reliable man and most of all he is your man.  You feel awful for wanting out.  You fuck him that night for the last time.  The next morning is difficult as you tell him you need your space.  He is shocked and hurt. You walk away saddened yet relieved. You are alone again but that's okay.  It is comforting to be in a relationship but you also want passion. You decide to pray  on it but this time you will ask God specifically for what you want in a relationship; as soon as you figure out exactly what that is.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Sexual Compatibility

Many years ago when I was a naive young woman living in the NYC I met a man who would have had no problem winning first prize in a Steve Urkel lookalike contest.  Our conversation took a strange turn when he informed me that he and his wife were swingers. I wasn't sure what that was, until he enlightened me.  After showing me a photo of his wife, definitely a cheerleader type, he proceeded to school me on what went on at these social events. I found out tidbits like a woman could enter solo but a man could not.  You could be in a room in the middle of a menage a trois and your significant other was in another corner of the same room performing oral on a complete stranger.

By the end of our conversation my head was spinning.  He did not recruit me but he made me realize compatibility went way beyond looks. My mind wandered back to that conversation when I read the recent story about Will and Jada Smith having an open marriage.  There had been rumors circulating for years about the Hollywood couple being swingers. I just never saw it in the general media. If the rumor is even remotely true, they are consenting adults and can swing all they want. But I wonder how you approach your significant other and get them to accept both of you openly engaging in sexual activity with outsiders. Unless you meet your mate at a sex club, at some point one has to recruit the other.  How do you make that bold suggestion without heading for Splitsville?


Which brings me to sexual compatibility.  You are making a mistake if you are putting this at the bottom of your list when looking for a mate. Sex is not the only component in a good relationship but if two people are not on the same page in the bedroom; eventually things could fall apart. A monogamous relationship, most of all, requires sexual compatibility to thrive.   5 signs you may not be sexually compatible.

1. Importance of Sex.  If you rank sex high in your day to day existence and your lover places it below grocery shopping, you are not on the same page.

2. The Kink Factor.  Your mate is uncomfortable with anything outside of missionary but you are feenin' to incorporate hot candle wax and light bondage.

3.  Sexual Drive.  Getting it in every morning is ideal for you, however he or she thinks once a week is more than enough.

4.  Oral Pleasure.  You gag when thinking about going down on him.  He obsesses about blow jobs because he isn't getting any. Or 69 is a prerequisite for you and he is squeamish kissing you down there.

5. Other People. He or she is okay with sex outside your relationship but you reject anything outside of monogamy.

Handcuffs can be found on yourpassionconsultant.com.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

RAPE IS NOT JUST A FOUR-LETTER-WORD

"Put molly all in the champagne, she aint even know it
I took her home and enjoy that, she aint even know it."  

Those are the lyrics spouted by the former correctional officer, Rick Ross, on some guy name Rocko's song.  I gave up on Hip Hop quite some time ago.  I grew up on the sounds of Run D MC, Slick Rick, and Big Daddy Kane etc.  After the death of Biggie the music slowly began to lose my attention.  Every now and then I hear a song I like but, with the exception of Drake, I don't pay much attention to the lyrics.  Rick Ross is that guy I wish would keep his shirt on when I am watching award shows. He is not on my musical radar.

Officer Ricky

Well Mr. Ross has come under fire for those damning lyrics. There are those challenging his sponsors and the radio airwaves.  I heard on the Breakfast Club morning show in New York that he actually said I didn't say the word rape in his response.  You do not have to say the word rape to convey the message.  Rape is not just a woman screaming "NO" at the top of her lungs as an attacker violates her.  Rape is when an individual does not or cannot give consent to a sexual act; that could be a fourteen year-old, a woman that is unconscious, or a man being physically restrained.

Hip Hop does not have a track record of being supportive or protective of women.  Bitches Love Me, by Lil Wayne, which is all over the airwaves, is not a term of endearment to me. That song like so many other rap songs wouldn't be played at a NOW rally.  Rape and bitch are two different topics. Women use the word bitch just as much as men do, probably more. Girlfriends play around and call each other bitch,without any insult being felt.  The use of the  B-word is just as muddied as the N-word.  The word bitch is a staple in the Hip Hop world, whether you like it or not.

Rape is more than just a word or concept. We cannot allow rape to be taken lightly in any part of pop culture.  Music is powerful and quite influential.  Anyone that denies that is lying to themselves.  Why else do we have the term baby-making music?  When you want a romantic interlude you put on Marvin Gaye.  The melodies and lyrics influence a mood.  Popping a Molly in a young woman's drink is not a frivolous act. It is an egregious felony. Rick Ross' lyrics cannot be construed as an ambiguous message, it is quite clear: It is trivializing rape. The last thing a young man or woman (or anyone for that matter) need to hear is that a woman's consent is not necessary.  It is never ever okay to downplay how ugly and depraved an act rape is.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I Am Not Feeling it Anymore....




The Black Blogosphere was buzzing with the announcement that Regina King and Malcolm Jamal Warner had entered splitsville. Celebrity couples, break up all the time; so it is no big deal. What got my attention was the theme of the break-up. It was alleged that after a two-year relationship Malcolm admitted, "He wasn't feeling it anymore." It is no one's business, but if you were an 80's child like me, their pairing was cool for nostalgic reasons.  Theo Huxtable and Brenda Jenkins caught up in a love thing. Rumors have a way of spreading their wings and soaring within the blog world. Via twitter Ms. King has responded, "You shouldn't believe everything you read."

Putting the rumor aside, it can be devastating when you invested your  time and your heart into a relationship only to be told, "I'm not feeling you anymore."   I had a friend that was engaged . I'll call her Sonia.  Sonia and her fiance had been living  together for four years.  As the upcoming nuptials approached, she and  I spent hours perusing bridal magazines, visiting reception halls, making arrangements, etc.  "What we do for friends."  I listened as she glowed about her future hubby and the life they would have together.  Her heart soared with thoughts of their future .  Why shouldn't she? Sonia had devoted four of her pretty years to this man.  It was time to reap the benefits. 

 I am down playing it when I say she was destroyed when her man decided he wanted to move on because he wasn't  "feeling their situation anymore". Sonia became withdrawn and swore off the opposite sex for quite some time. Every weekend found her held up in her apartment numbing the pain with junk food. With time she she came around and eventually did get married to someone else.  But that bubbly spark of optimism had dimmed to a light flicker.

Prior to the split I myself questioned why he was not sitting down with her to plan their wedding.  He would rather crash on the sofa nursing a beer than give her a moment of his time. She nervously chuckled that, "men don't have time for those things". To an outsider it appeared that he had emotionally checked out of that relationship.  Was Sonia blindsided thinking that it was guaranteed they were headed for wedded bliss? The  signs of discontent were there but she chose to bury her doubt deep.  He could have informed her before she purchased a dress and made a deposit on the hall but like many men he dreaded the confrontation.  So a woman must pay attention to the signs.  Go with her gut instinct.
A woman does herself a disservice when she doesn't reevaluate the relationship she is in.  Especially when she is aware that she is putting in much more than you she is receiving.   A man's intentions should be clear.   There is no need for second guessing.  Either he has both feet in or he is out.  The author Greg Behrendt said it best in "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys":

“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything
related to his feelings for you” 



Words to live by....

Friday, February 22, 2013

Five Things I Hope Men Never Stop Doing.

I love being in the company of men.  I know they are far from perfect, but so am I.  There are things a man can do for you that makes your knees buckle, but there are also those simple things that just put a smile on your face. There are at least five things I hope men never ever stop doing.

1.  Playing chef in the kitchen.  I don't care if it is Aunt Jemima pancakes or a box of macaroni and cheese; I appreciate when my man makes me a meal.  He does not have to be a culinary genius but just considerate enough to say, "baby sit down and have a nice hot meal."  I could remember a relationship I stayed in longer than I normally would have because he could cook his ass off.  He would piss me off, I would get ready to leave but not before the last supper.  That food was so mouth watering it made you forget your mama's cooking.  So of course I stayed the night again. There is nothing sexier than a man standing in front of a stove with that cute apron wrapped around him.

2. Taking care of my car.  I know this is the 21st century and we women are independent and capable of taking care of ourselves, but I don't like changing tires.  I know there is the mechanic at the dealership but I like when my man says let me take care of the car for you this weekend.  I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

3. Opening the door.  Chivalry is not dead.  There are still men out there who will hold a door open for you.  It always brings a smile to my face. Helping me grab my bag from the overhead is nice too.

4.  Complimenting.  I am never mad when a man says, "hey beautiful", or hi gorgeous. He could be a complete stranger and I kindly accept the compliment.  Obviously those words hold more weight if it is being said by someone you are feeling.  Terms of endearment never get old.

5.  Rocking facial hair.  I love, love, love a well groomed beard on a man.  I don't want men to ever stop growing facial hair.  There is something about a beard that screams pure masculinity. I will admit it here, I have a goatee fetish and I am not ashamed to say it.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Is Monogamy Natural?

I enjoy listening to the Breakfast Club on power 105.9 in New York. Last week they had the comedian David Alan Grier on as a guest and he was asked if ever cheated.  He amusingly stumbled around giving an answer.  Grier was twice divorced. Charlamagne  interjected his usual spiel about how polygamy should be legal, because a man committing to one person was impossible.  Grier had something real profound to say "we are told you are supposed to meet someone at 18, fall in love with them, and die at 100 and never cheat".   That seems unrealistic but that is what society dictates, at least here in America.  It is a fantasy perpetuated everywhere you look; in the media, literature, church, and at your mom's kitchen table.  I just don't think that monogamy is natural for most Homo sapiens.   Monogamy is cultural, it definitely is not part of your DNA.

I do believe if you put your mind to it you can commit to one person, but it takes a tremendous amount of will and determination. Four reasons monogamy can be so difficult.

1.  Genetics.  We are mammals, highly evolved mammals, but still mammals.  Monogamy is rare in the animal kingdom.  So it would be naive to think it would be easy to follow the rules of monogamy when it goes against natural instinct.

2.  Options.  Chris Rock said it best, "A man is as faithful as his options".  This can easily be applied to women as well.  The possibilities are endless in meeting someone new to fuck.  You can hook up in so many different ways, the Internet, at work, the club, the gym and on the subway platform on the F line.

3. Boredom.  If you are bored or dissatisfied with your sex life you begin to obsess about sex.  You constantly imagine yourself in more risque activity. The fantasy about that attractive UPS man that delivers packages to your apartment complex plays over and over in your mind.  You contemplate ordering some junk just to get him to visit.

4. The Office.  Where do people stray the most?  a. The Club  b. The Bar c. Online  or d. The Workplace  The answer is d.  People are cheating on their spouses at work as I write this.  I have seen several married co-workers hook up at work way before they  make it to Happy Hour.  It does not matter if it is within the offices of the Senate, CIA or the accounting department on the 5th floor, people are cheating on their significant others with their co-workers.  It is convenient, easy and comfortable to snuggle up to the person in the cubicle across from you.

Friday, February 8, 2013

IS IT EVER OKAY TO RECONCILE WITH AN ABUSER?


February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness month. It is crucial that we educate teenagers and young adults about physical, sexual and verbal abuse.  I am conflicted when I see the recent images of  Rihanna snuggling with Chris Brown after he beat the shit out of her.  The leaked photos of her swollen bruised face are still hard to forget.  She and Brown are grown and can do whatever they please.  I get that.  But the young victims of violence, like Latasha Norman above, make me wonder how much damage those images of Rihanna reuniting with Chris Brown has caused.

Love is complicated for adults.  It definitely is not any easier for teenagers to maneuver that battlefield.  Young people are so vulnerable during those formative years.  They are just learning how to deal with their sexuality, emotions and developing new relationships.  I think back to when I was in my teens and early twenties and I am not sure what I would have done if a man/boy I loved or was infatuated with was abusive toward me.  Would I have sought help? I honestly cannot say I would have. I grew up in the 70s and 80s and I do not recall a massive campaign back then to empower young women and encourage them to leave damaging relationships. I would like to believe that I would have had the strength and self-esteem to escape an abusive situation. It is not that simple.  Abuse can damage your soul.  There is no telling what you will do in that situation without the right tools to escape.

The 1 is 2 Many movement, led by Vice President Biden, says that young women suffer the highest rates of dating violence and sexual assault.  One in 10 teens will be hurt on purpose by someone they are dating. One in five women have been sexually assaulted while in college and one in 9 teen girls will be forced to have sex. What alarms me about these statistics is that I know that many young women suffer in silence, so these numbers are probably considerably higher.

How do you to a tell a young impressionable woman to get out of a violent relationship when all over the internet she sees that sexy and happy famous pop star who seems okay with reuniting with her abuser? How do you stress to her that she deserves a man who respects her body and mind ALL the time?

Monday, January 21, 2013

4 MORE YEARS!


HAPPY KING DAY!
4 MORE YEARS, HALLELUJAH!

Inauguration Day, Sunday January 20, 2013

Sunday, January 13, 2013

LOVING THE KITTY

I don't normally make New Year's resolutions anymore, because when I do, you can count me out by January 31st.  This year I am making one.  I have resolved to love my kitty kat more.  As a woman I believe I have not given my vagina the love and attention it truly deserves.  I spend time going to the nail salon, getting my hair done, and purchasing cosmetics to feel pretty.  I work out, purchase vitamins and watch what I eat to get my body right.  What about the kitty?  The kitty should be nurtured, loved and and admired.  This is a resolution that I believe I can sustain throughout the year, and hopefully with the help of a special someone.

 Here are five ways I plan on giving my kitty-kat the TLC it deserves.


1. Annual Gynecological Exam.  Sexually active women who have had more than one sex partner or their sex partner has had multiple sex partners, should get pap tests. It detects STDs and cervical cancer caused by HPV.  It is recommended that you have a pap test at least every 2 years if you have had 3 normal pap tests.  Although mine come back normal every year, the hypochondriac in me likes to have one annually.


2. X-Scream is a topical cream that helps you stay aroused.  You apply it to your clitoris and you get this warm tingling sensation, that heightens your orgasms during intercourse, while using a vibrator and during oral sex (yes it is edible). I purchased it at a Passion Party and love the sensation.






3.  Sexy Lingerie. I am under the belief that a woman can never have too much underwear.  There are 365 days in the year.  If you are a lady who enjoys having good hygiene you change your underwear once or maybe even twice a day.  So why not indulge.  Nothing makes me feel sexier than a pretty matching bra and pantie.  The Victoria Secrets Semi-Annual sale is in full effect as well as the Frederick's of Hollywood Clearance Sale.

4.  Ben-Wa Balls.  This product was said to have originated in China. These balls are the size of marbles and  help strengthen the vaginal walls for more intense orgasms as well as helping with bladder control. I haven't read the novel Fifty Shades of Grey, where they are featured. They can be used during  Kegel exercises. You can find them on sex toy and accessories websites as well as Amazon.com.  I haven't tried these yet but plan on purchasing a pair.
Ben-Wa Balls on SlumberParties.com

  5. Laser Hair Removal.  I have been a fan of  laser hair removal for almost 10 years.  If you have unwanted hair anywhere this is a great solution. It is a bit pricey, but definitely worth it.  I currently go to Ideal Image for unwanted facial hair.  You can find their offices all over the U.S.  I am very pleased with the results.  

I suffered from razor bumps in the bikini area.  I hated it.  I decided to go to a dermatologist in the NYC for several sessions.  That was years ago and the hair is still sparse and the razor bumps are non-existent. This year I plan on going for a bikini  touch-up. The laser works well on dark skin. Just make sure you go to a well established licensed practitioner.  If you are a bit squeamish get the numbing cream.  The slight discomfort is worth the smooth hairless look.