Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Saying Goodbye to Love

It is so hard to leave — until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.
John GreenPaper Towns

After a long search, you finally met someone worth spending time with. The two of your lives are now intertwined and it feels comfortable.  Comfortable like that old college sweatshirt with the holes that you can't seem to throw away. Days, weeks and months go by. You haven't moved in together yet but you spend every weekend at his house.  Yes the brother has his own home and a good j.o.b.

Then one day you look across the dinner table at that person and decide this is not fulfilling me. An important piece is missing but you don't want to face it.  You remain silent and play with your food as he checks his phone for messages.  "I should be happy."  He is smart, employed and most of all reliable.  Those other men before him were flaky, self-absorbed, and easily distracted. Now you have a man who is available to you, all the time.  "Isn't that what I wanted?"  The Ex made you feel like such a low priority.  He never paid enough attention to you. Towards the end of your relationship he only came around for a sexual tune-up.  But those tune-ups were damn good. In the words of Trey Songz, "sex aint better than love."

The sex with your current beau is nice but routine. You get ready for bed.  You can't remember the last time you put on some sexy negligee and shimmied into the boudoir.  You pull an old Gap tee shirt over your head and get under the covers. The sounds of him gargling before bed deafens you.  He is a good man.  A reliable man and most of all he is your man.  You feel awful for wanting out.  You fuck him that night for the last time.  The next morning is difficult as you tell him you need your space.  He is shocked and hurt. You walk away saddened yet relieved. You are alone again but that's okay.  It is comforting to be in a relationship but you also want passion. You decide to pray  on it but this time you will ask God specifically for what you want in a relationship; as soon as you figure out exactly what that is.

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