Thursday, May 26, 2011

Why Am I Still Single?


I contemplate the possibility of a long life as a single black woman.  At the age of 12 I imagined myself married with children by the time I reached 25.  What killed the dream?  I am a college educated black woman over 35 who avoided walking down the aisle.  Yes I had a child out of wedlock, so my stock went down, but I was in my late thirties when that happened. I should have been married way before that, right?   It has been a constant journey to discover whether or not I am the reason I am not married.  Subconsciously is it possible that I remained single because I fear that type of commitment that warrants someone to say 'til death do us part"?  Or did I cancel myself out of the game by decisions and choices I made over the years?  There is a chance I am just another statistic the media loves these days, the undesirable black woman destined to be all alone.   A recent article by a non-black website pretty much told black women if you want to get hitched you better start chasing down white men. The jury is still out on that, but I do know there are at least five possibilities why I may remain perpetually unwed.   
 

1. Failed to Search for a Husband in College.
I am a firm believer that every woman has a period I call, Her Pretty Years.  It falls somewhere between 17 years old to about 25.  I know women are beautiful at all stages of their lives, but pretty years are something different.  It is when our features are softer, we are more hopeful about the future and most of all we appear more attractive to single virile men. I had four solid years to find a potential mate amongst the young unattached men roaming my campus. It was the perfect environment to discover a young man that had not accumulated any emotional baggage yet.  Silly me I went to school got an education, partied a bit, but failed to enter into a serious relationship.   Big mistake if you envisioned tying the knot in your future. 

2.  Remained in New York City
The best place in the world to be a single woman is an overpopulated metropolitan city.  You are surrounded by people just like you. Single men are everywhere vying for your attention.  You don't feel odd when you socialize because it is the norm for people to ride solo.  If you had to tough it out in the suburbs or more family friendly neighborhoods then you might get the urge to jump that broom.  I should have headed to a little town nestled in the south.  It would have driven me crazy as boredom set in, but I would have been highly motivated to tie the knot.

3.  Single Girlfriends
I can count the number of girlfriends who have invited me to weddings over the years on one hand and still have at least three fingers left over.  For some reason I have gravitated to friendships with women who remain perpetually single. Maybe if I went to a slew of weddings and got recruited as a bridesmaid a few times, I may have been motivated walk down the aisle myself.  Besides a wedding was probably a great place to meet single men.

4. Didn't Date Enough
Yes I was single, but I would meet a guy and hang out with him exclusively for a little while.  It makes more sense to juggle three or four men at a time.  Of course you are not giving up the goodies to any of them at this point.  Well maybe the finest one. Dating a variety of men at once probably allows you to evaluate what you are looking for and what you are not.  Instead of eating one entree I should have got on the buffet line and sampled a little bit of everything.

5. Delusions of Grandeur
For some reason I believed that a dark knight would rescue me from singledom and carry me off into the sunset of marital bliss.  It could have been all those frivolous Harlequin romance novels I devoured in junior high school or maybe I am just a romantic at heart.   I failed to realize that some girls have to work at finding a mate.  He will not fall into your lap; you must devise a plan and stick to it.

So here I am a single mom with no prospects on the horizon.  Am I miserable? No but if I do find love, and he gets on one bended knee and I say yes; I could live with that.