Saying Goodbye to Love

“It is so hard to leave — until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”

—	John Green, Paper Towns

After a long search, you finally met someone worth spending time with. The two of your lives are now intertwined and it feels comfortable.  Comfortable like that old college sweatshirt with the holes that you can't seem to throw away. Days, weeks and months go by. You haven't moved in together yet but you spend every weekend at his house.  Yes the brother has his own home and a good j.o.b.

Then one day you look across the dinner table at that person and decide this is not fulfilling me. An important piece is missing but you don't want to face it.  You remain silent and play with your food as he checks his phone for messages.  "I should be happy."  He is smart, employed and most of all reliable.  Those other men before him were flaky, self-absorbed, and easily distracted. Now you have a man who is available to you, all the time.  "Isn't that what I wanted?"  The Ex made you feel like such a low priority.  He never paid enough attention to you. Towards the end of your relationship he only came around for a sexual tune-up.  But those tune-ups were damn good. In the words of Trey Songz, "sex aint better than love."

The sex with your current beau is nice but routine. You get ready for bed.  You can't remember the last time you put on some sexy negligee and shimmied into the boudoir.  You pull an old Gap tee shirt over your head and get under the covers. The sounds of him gargling before bed deafens you.  He is a good man.  A reliable man and most of all he is your man.  You feel awful for wanting out.  You fuck him that night for the last time.  The next morning is difficult as you tell him you need your space.  He is shocked and hurt. You walk away saddened yet relieved. You are alone again but that's okay.  It is comforting to be in a relationship but you also want passion. You decide to pray  on it but this time you will ask God specifically for what you want in a relationship; as soon as you figure out exactly what that is.

Sexual Compatibility

Many years ago when I was a naive young woman living in the NYC I met a man who would have had no problem winning first prize in a Steve Urkel lookalike contest.  Our conversation took a strange turn when he informed me that he and his wife were swingers. I wasn't sure what that was, until he enlightened me.  After showing me a photo of his wife, definitely a cheerleader type, he proceeded to school me on what went on at these social events. I found out tidbits like a woman could enter solo but a man could not.  You could be in a room in the middle of a menage a trois and your significant other was in another corner of the same room performing oral on a complete stranger.

By the end of our conversation my head was spinning.  He did not recruit me but he made me realize compatibility went way beyond looks. My mind wandered back to that conversation when I read the recent story about Will and Jada Smith having an open marriage.  There had been rumors circulating for years about the Hollywood couple being swingers. I just never saw it in the general media. If the rumor is even remotely true, they are consenting adults and can swing all they want. But I wonder how you approach your significant other and get them to accept both of you openly engaging in sexual activity with outsiders. Unless you meet your mate at a sex club, at some point one has to recruit the other.  How do you make that bold suggestion without heading for Splitsville?

Which brings me to sexual compatibility.  You are making a mistake if you are putting this at the bottom of your list when looking for a mate. Sex is not the only component in a good relationship but if two people are not on the same page in the bedroom; eventually things could fall apart. A monogamous relationship, most of all, requires sexual compatibility to thrive.   5 signs you may not be sexually compatible.

1. Importance of Sex.  If you rank sex high in your day to day existence and your lover places it below grocery shopping, you are not on the same page.

2. The Kink Factor.  Your mate is uncomfortable with anything outside of missionary but you are feenin' to incorporate hot candle wax and light bondage.

3.  Sexual Drive.  Getting it in every morning is ideal for you, however he or she thinks once a week is more than enough.

4.  Oral Pleasure.  You gag when thinking about going down on him.  He obsesses about blow jobs because he isn't getting any. Or 69 is a prerequisite for you and he is squeamish kissing you down there.

5. Other People. He or she is okay with sex outside your relationship but you reject anything outside of monogamy.

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